Generations of nerds have been told they will inherit the Earth someday, while their tormentors will end up mopping floors and pumping gas. But is there the slightest chance that real life works that way? We plan on getting to the bottom of that, mostly by examining the mediocrity of the world around us. Why do rich guys have such horrible nicknames? What sort of shoes are appropriate to wear on a yacht? Were primitive humans tormented by crafty lizardmen? We ask!
Running with scissors. It's the classic childhood safety hazard, and the cornerstone of lazy jokes about mental illness. Are we going to talk about any of that? Kind of. But we're pretty distracted, because the Governor of Mississippi just let a bunch of murderers out of jail for, like, no reason, and that's way more interesting. Also for no reason: massive spoilers for the most recent season of Breaking Bad.
Truck Nuts! Scourge of the highways and back roads of this great nation! A stunning display of virility to one's fellow motorists! Or maybe just some silly crap to stick on your car when your pissing Calvin sticker starts to lose its novelty. Whatever the case, we're going to figure it out and still find time to tell a surprisingly detailed story about the Pope's penis. Seriously, where else will you hear that today?
So many things start with the letter U! For example, "Uhhhhh," which we say quite a few times while we try to work out where the hell to go with this topic. But that's a good thing, because it's New Year's Day, and you don't need too much excitement or noise when you're hung over. And we talk about hobos! Come on! You know you're curious about that.
Are we going to let the fact that it's literally Christmas day stop us from posting a new show? Hell no! It's not even a gimmicky holiday episode! No, we're celebrating the season by talking about our big plans for the end of the world, where we will make our living as dashing outlaws delivering Twinkies to hungry children. Does that sound more awesome than Christmas? Yes it does. Because it is.
It seems like Johnny Goodtimes never gets to finish his annual holiday rant. Remember a few years ago, when he was interrupted by the Christmas Ogres? This year he hired John Chimpo to help fend them off, but it seems Johnny's rant is no less secure, because John Chimpo must dance!
