We’ve got some dubious news out of Hollywood this week, folks. It seems that a certain Frederick Evan Young, 44, of Los Angeles, California, who works as a Chewbacca impersonator outside of the Grauman’s Chinese Theatre was booked by the LAPD on battery misdemeanor charges on Thursday, after allegedly assaulting a pair of young Japanese tourists. According to tour guides on the scene, Mr. Young was seen “harassing and touching tourists” and shouting, “Nobody tells this Wookie what to do,” in a depraved display. He then proceeded to head-butt the tour guide, presumably while mewling and bellowing.

I am, frankly, disgusted with this news. This will simply not do, people! Dressing up as Chewbacca is a sacred institution, much like dressing up as Santa Claus or Chuck E. Cheese. The heroic greatness that is Chewbacca should not be taken lightly.

I’m not saying that Wookies are to be confused with Boy Scouts; they have, as is well known, been known to tear people’s arms out of their sockets when they lose at Chess. And Battleship, and Clue, probably Hangman, but hey, anyone who dares to play board games with a Wookie should have already known that. Besides, board games are just inherently annoying. They piss me off, and I’m lazy as hell, so just imagine what having to build that stupid Mouse Trap would do to someone with that much pent-up muscle mass and adrenaline?

The point is, Chewbacca is not a petty thug. He’s an outlaw hero, a criminal mastermind, a powerhouse rebel, and quite possibly the greatest sidekick of all time. His destiny is to fight tyranny and oppression and to bring down The Man, not to harass innocent Japanese tourists! For shame, Frederick Evan Young of Los Angeles, California. As a Chewbacca impersonating street performer, you had so much potential to do good in the world, and you frittered it away because someone wouldn’t pay you five bucks to pose for a postcard.