Varius @ 5:55 PM
The polls aren’t anywhere near closing yet here in Pittsburgh. Wolf Blitzer’s still dicking around talking to James Carville in his precious Situation Room. Nobody’s drunk. In fact, I’m the only one here right now. But the night is still young, the alcohol has been purchased, and my elitist hors d’oeuvres are nearly ready.

Throughout the night, we’ll also have Horatio checking in from the Beak’s Brooklyn Bureau, to offer an even-more-eastern elitist perspective on tonight’s proceedings.

Editor’s note, November 5, 2008: I’d like to say our Drunken Election Liveblog was a success, but the fact is that sincere hope is the enemy of good comedy. Another enemy of good comedy: leaving the house mid-liveblog to attend a spontaneous street celebration. We had both of those things last night, so we probably weren’t performing at peak awesomeness. But goddammit, we had a great time, and we got a new President out of the deal, so let’s call this one a win.

The full text came out to over 3000 words, so I’m placing it behind a jump. It’s all still there if you’re willing to hit the link.

Varius @ 6:15 PM
Well, I was wrong on one count. The first polls, in Indiana and Kentucky, just closed. It seems unlikely that they counted all the votes in the last fifteen minutes, so this doesn’t feel like a good reason to start freaking out. Plus, no one’s here yet. And I should probably take a shower before that happens.

Varius @ 6:27 PM
Ehh, screw it. We’ll get to proper liveblogging once people have arrived, and drinks have been poured. Probably sometime between 7:00 and 8:00 Eastern.

Horatio @ 7:30 PM
Good evening from New York City, the capital of the East Coast Liberal Elitist Conspiracy! (Yes, I know we don’t have gay marriage yet; blame it on those bastards up in Albany.) This morning I trotted down to my old neighborhood of Prospect Park in Brooklyn to vote, and the lines were as long as the lines for opening night of The Dark Knight in Union Square. It took me a full seventy minutes to vote, chatting the entire time with a predominantly Caribbean-African-American crowd, all very passionate about Barack Obama.

Earlier tonight, after finishing a job in Central Park North (bordering Harlem), I shared some smokes with a couple of older gentlemen doing some last-minute Obama pamphelting by the subway entrance, and they were excited and hopeful as well. In fact, it’s safe to say that everyone I’ve talked to today has been excited about Obama, and more cheerful than usual for this town. So I’m going to go ahead and call it now: New York City will vote Democrat this year. Boom. Go. Get it going.

And later on the L train, scores of Williamsburg liberals prepared for an evening of nervous pacing in front of the television. And speaking of TV, Jesus Fucking Christ, Jessica Yellin’s hologram has just beamed into The Situation Room. I didn’t know Blitzer could do that shit!

That’s the news from Brooklyn. And now it’s coffee time.

Shadow Candidate @ 8:01 PM
Woohoo! Drunken Election Liveblog 2008 is in the motherfucking heeeeeouse! Right? Okay, yeah, that’s today. This is The Shadow Candidate, reporting to you live from an undisclosed location in Louisville Kentucky, where my Iron Maiden tribute band, The Seventh Sons of the Seventh Sons, will be playing tomorrow night. Unfortunately, nobody bothered to tell me that all the bars in Kentucky are closed on Election Day, and it took my assistant Hans all day to find a secret brothel that was willing to sell booze, had food, dancers, and free wireless internet. The locals call it The Juicy Lucy, and the upholstery is subpar. But we’re all set now, and Hans and I are joined by my special Election Co-Hosts, Sapphire and Dixie Cup.

CNN is projecting that McCain will win Kentucky this evening. The crowd here at The Juicy Lucy is mixed, but everybody can agree on one thing: the hot wings are pretty damn good. Back to you, Varius.

Varius @ 8:02 PM
Dude, I saw Jessica Yellin’s crazy-ass Princess Leia thing, and it almost freaked me out… until I realized that Blitzer was just talking to midair. It’s nice to see him do a bit of acting, though. Good to know he’ll have something to fall back on if this whole “respectable anchor” thing doesn’t pan out. Not a leading man or anything, just a lovable character actor. Wizened bartenders and grizzled bikers and shit.

Horatio @ 8:06 PM
Dude, maybe Blitzer can land a role in the next Apatow movie, selling pot to Seth Rogen or something. I’d pay to see that.

Varius @ 8:16 PM
How is Obama winning in West Virginia? Because sometimes, people can’t get any more fucking broke, and they get pissed.

Madam Captain Amazon @ 8:31 PM
LOL LONG THOMPSON. You’re losing. But I’m giving you a shout out. LOL LONG THOMPSON.

Horatio @ 8:39 PM
Yeeeaaah, my girl Kay “Godless Supermajority” Hagan is winning in North Carolina!

Varius @ 8:50 PM
Obama appears to be kicking all kinds of ass. We’re not terrified enough to be funny. So let’s talk about the food.

We’ve got an all-elitist menu tonight, with quiche, as well as a lovely baked brie with cherries and almonds. There was some honest-to-god caramelization going on there. Fancy stuff, people. Bet you wish you were here right now. But you can’t come in, because we’re elitists.

Varius @ 8:55 PM
And CNN has called it: Elizabeth Dole has gone down in hilarious flames!

Horatio @ 8:59 PM
OK, question: would it be weird if I sent Michelle Obama a Mother’s Day card next year? You know, sort of a “thanks for being America’s new mom” kind of thing. Because she’s gonna be the best First Lady since Eleanor Roosevelt, and I just want her to know that we love her way more than our last mom, Laura, who I still think is a raging Valium addict.

The Whole Pittsburgh Crew @ 9:14 PM
Florida is now leaning toward Obama. Considering the number of times America’s Wang has fucked us over, it’s nice to see it finally learning how to pleasure us.

Horatio @ 9:18 PM
A few minutes ago, Bill Bennett compared an Obama victory to “Winning World War II” in terms of how much the international community would suddenly love the United States again. That kind of rules. I mean, the last time I heard anyone outside of the U.S. refer to America as “the greatest country in the world” was in Borat, and that was just a movie.

Hey, wait, I’ve got a fucking question about that whole “Senate Majority” thing. Every time it comes up, the pundits always say, “plus two Independents who vote with the Democrats.” Are they still counting Joe Fucking Lieberman as one of those Independents? Because I don’t think he counts anymore. He’s been campaigning for McCain for months!

Varius @ 9:26 PM
Yeah, but I think they’re focusing on Lieberman’s pro-choice credentials. You know, the credentials that prevented him from being McCain’s running mate. Which is fine by me, since he was forced to pick Crazy McClown-Car-Vagina as his running mate, and everyone got sick of her.

Horatio @ 9:32 PM
At least we haven’t had to spend the last two months talking about “Joementum” again.

Shadow Candidate @ 9:43 PM
Sweet Jesus, big news out of Kentucky! Sapphire and Dixie Cup just dressed up as Sarah Palin and Elizabeth Dole and performed a Donkey Show live on stage — with a real donkey! It just goes to show you, here at the Juicy Lucy, the symbolism is as subtle as the implants.

Madam Captain Amazon @ 9:57 PM
Anderson Cooper should guest star on Heroes. “What’s your power?” “I’m Anderson Cooper.” “Oh. Cool.”

Horatio @ 10:02 PM
Anderson Cooper’s superhero name is “The Silver Fox.”

And now folks, I’d like to introduce our special guest blogger, live from Verona, PA, it’s Captain Fun!

Captain Fun @ 10:03 PM
Well, you’re kind of putting me on the spot now. Let me just say that I was proud to wake up at the ass-crack of dawn, with enough time for a quad blasting workout at Bally before being one of the first in line at the polls this morning. Some positive news, the anti-”Democrat” propaganda was removed from my work’s homepage due to some ballsy employees complaining about it. Corporate taxes were the main issue. Man, the only reason I’ve been to the doctor so much this year has been my crappy job. I wouldn’t even need super-expensive healthcare if I wasn’t strapped to my desk all day. And don’t ever buy “grapples” despite what Mark Summers says. They suck.

If this election has taught me one thing, it’s that you can’t put lipstick on a pig, man. And there’s a guy running whose first name is “Elder.” Sounds like he’s from some creepy dystopian novel.

Captain Fun @ 10:08 PM
The best thing to counteract healthy eating and obsessive cardio? Chain smoking, grapples, purloined porn, and Katie Couric. Oddly enough, beer has been conspicuously absent from my diet. Let’s remedy that soon. Al Franken — “Foul-Mouthed Outsider?”

Captain Fun @ 10:13 PM
But really, they used “Democrat” incorrectly like 10 times in that memo. As if you could replace “Democrat” with “mouthbreathing liberal twat.”

Varius @ 10:15 PM
Okay, Texas — that’s motherfucking Texas — is still too close for CNN to call. What kind of fantastical world do we live in, and where can I pick up my free jetpack?

Varius @ 10:22 PM
Wait, no, Texas apparently went for McCain. Goddammit, no jetpack. Again.

Horatio @ 10:29 PM
You know what drives me nuts every fucking election? That middle period, after we’ve gotten all the New England states in, and then they start projecting all the big flat states in the middle of the country that always go red, and you see the Republican’s numbers slowly go up. And then you just sit there, waiting anxiously for Oregon to get the total going blue again.

Captain Fun @ 10:35 PM
They said most people would vote more conservatively than they said in public, but I think this election is showing that more people want to take risks and are for change than “they” thought. I think people need a little push at the beginning. Like Mark Summers dangling a grapple over your head.

John fucking Murtha! Tell me he wasn’t right about western PA being racist. Tell me. The truth hurts, Elder, don’t it?

I take that back about the grapples. They may have been overpriced and overhyped, but you take that away and the concept still holds up. And that’s why I bought them. Who says apples can’t taste like grapes? Who says a black man can’t play a squirrel?

Captain Fun @ 10:39 PM
Can we get the Bananaman dancing to “Peanut Butter Jelly Time” in honor of Dole’s pwning? That would be awesome.

It just occured to me that I never voted for a presidential candidate who won. I voted Perot, didn’t vote in 2000 because I was too lazy to absentee, and in 2004 I voted Kerry. It’s about fucking time my whacked-out liberal politics paid off.

I bet grapple quiche would be sweet. Grapple quiche a la mode.

Varius @ 10:50 PM
I swear to god, we are discussing what pattern Sarah Palin shaves into her bush. It’s currently a three-way tie between a moose head, the mascot of her kids’ hockey team, or the word “Maverick.”

Horatio @ 10:54 PM
Holy shit, Charles Ogletree basically just called Obama the next Abraham Lincoln. Wow.

Horatio @ 10:55 PM
“Grapple” is the new “moose,” I see.

Captain Fun @ 10:56 PM
Imagine horned-up bloodthirsty mooses eating fermented grapples. That will be the mood of the nation when Obama’s win is confirmed.

I don’t know if it’s the grapple or the massive dosage of nasal spray, but I feel the urge to bust through the wall and kill. Or maybe I feel very tired right now. Isn’t that what killed Jim Henson? Nasal spray and uncut grapples?

I’m passing out now. I hope to ride a frothy moose to work in Obamamerica. Captain Fun out.

Horatio @ 10:59 PM
Re: Palin’s bush: Consider this, Pittsburgh Crew: Does a woman’s pubic hair become more difficult to style after birthing five children? Because that could limit her options.

Varius @ 11:00 PM
CNN has apparently projected Barack Obama… is the motherfucking President!

And we learned it from Jon Stewart. Tonight rules.

Charlie Slick @ 11:15 PM
This is the first time in my life that I’ve had respect for the president of my country. And perhaps also the first time I’ve not been ashamed to so openly cry.

Madam Captain Amazon @ 11:17 PM
President Barack Obama: We are handing you the keys to a very, very troubled kingdom. We are trusting you with our lives, our hope and our future. We believe you are strong enough to walk us through and out of these dark times. Our faith is with you. Please understand what we are handing. And may the Force be with you.

Horatio @ 11:31 PM
Folks, I’ll admit, I’m still in shock. But I went outside for a cigarette to make sure I was really awake, and the reassuring grins of my neighbors assures me that this is indeed real. McCain has already conceded. A concession speech before midnight! Landslide, baby! There’s already a smile on my face, even though I haven’t processed this yet, but oh man, when this numbness wears off, I’m going to be very happy. And I can’t remember the last time I was happy. Oh man. Dude.

Varius @ 11:41 PM
We’re headed down to Oakland (Pittsburgh, not the real Oakland) to check out the chaos/partying. We may or may not come back.

Horatio @ 11:45 PM
I feel like a little recap is in order here, to put this all in perspective.

Two or three years ago, specifically after An Inconvenient Truth came out, I was excited about the rebirth of Al Gore, and expected him to be making tonight’s acceptance speech. But Gore didn’t run. But that guy, that dude from that one speech in ‘04, he was interesting. That Barack Obama guy. But come on, he was too new, he just got to the Senate! But Obama kept going. And every month for years, Obama got better and better. He didn’t stumble, he didn’t fuck up, he didn’t disappoint us, there were no skeletons in his closet.

I voted for Obama in the primaries in April, and for the first time in my life, the person I voted for won something.

And then McCain, who used to be a good guy, showed up, and did all he could to scare the ever-loving shit out of us, including picking the worst running mate imaginable. And we were horrified, but Obama just kept getting better and better, and gave us hope, in a time when George W. Bush’s America had thoroughly numbed me to everything. And today I voted for the best candidate I’ve ever seen, the only person who might be able to save this twisted, demented world from collapsing in upon itself. And he won. Just when it really, really mattered. Barack Obama is the President of the United States. Say that over and over again until it sinks in.

And for the next six months or however long it takes, whenever you’re just waiting for Dick Cheney to jump out from around the corner and yell, “Gotcha!” just repeat to yourself, “Barack Obama is the President of the United States. It’s going to be OK.”

Horatio @ 11:53 PM
…I’m talking to an empty room, aren’t I? The Pittsburgh Crew has taken to the streets, Captain Fun went to bed. Shadow? Give me the good stuff.

Shadow Candidate @ 11:55 PM
The time of renewal is upon us. Everyone gets laid!

Horatio @ 11:59 PM
“…And the great Goddess Eris hurled the Apple of Discord into the Republicans’ camp, and they did tear themselves asunder. And the noble Prince of Hope rode forth, and shunned the greed and the hatred and the divisiveness that seethed all around him, and prepared to lead the people back to glory. And the great Goddess Eris saw this, and knew that here, at last, was one who could not be tempted by the Apple’s powers. And she was pleased.”

Horatio @ 12:00 AM
Oh! Dude! Acceptance speech time.

Horatio @ 12:04 AM
NEW PUPPY! The Obamas are the best family ever!

Horatio @ 12:16 AM
Dude… do you realize? That speech wasn’t about the next four years. It was about the next hundred years. Jesse Jackson is crying tears of joy. Barack Obama is our new President. Michelle Obama is our new mom. We won! Holy amber motherfucking waves of grain, we fucking won!

Shadow Candidate @ 12:19 AM
There are five strippers on my lap right now, and they’re all crying tears of joy.

Horatio @ 12:20 AM
I… goddamnit, do you really have to ruin every single tender fucking moment?

Shadow Candidate @ 12:21 AM
Jesus, sorry, alright? I’m not used to feeling happy, I don’t know how to express it. Hey, wasn’t the Pittsburgh Crew supposed to post some photos or something?

Horatio @ 12:35 AM
Well, I certainly hope they took some pictures, and that they’ll post them whenever they get back. (Wink wink nudge nudge.) Also, this is the first time I’ve ever heard the dealers who hang out in front of my building discussing politics. It really is a new day!

Shadow Candidate @ 12:38 AM
And at the end of the night, we’re still watching pundits on television.

Horatio @ 12:40 AM
I can’t stop. We’re gonna need pundit rehab.

Varius @ 2:08 AM
We… sorta forgot to take photos of the liveblog event itself. Got kind of swept up in the awesomeness of the whole affair. There are apparently photos of the giant cheering crowds of young ‘uns in the streets, and those will get posted eventually.

Charlie Slick @ 2:30 AM
My God. At first, Obama was just the guy that I voted for because he wasn’t republican. But now, seeing him speak, I realize this: he is a man of the heart. When he talks, I can feel it in my chest, and it brings tears to my eyes. He speaks of freedom, and equality, and even though he’s a politician, I believe him. I trust him. For the first time ever, I trust a president. For the first time ever, I marched in a group that I was proud to be a part of. For the first time ever, I can see how the word American means something other than the shame of being over privileged.