While we like to keep our options open, there are a number of topics which, when news happens, it’s reasonable to expect The Beak to have an opinion on. These topics include: prehistoric animal cloning, crazy preachers, Devangelism, Mars, Titan, the Large Hadron Collider, New Media trends, dumb youth trends, cheap shots at Sarah Palin, electric cars, and Chewbacca. There is, however, one topic which we have neglected against all reasonable expectations: Pirates. I’m not talking about Johnny Depp movies, or Steampunk airship bandits, or data thieves, or the preferred ceremonial garb of the Church of the FSM. I’m talking about real twenty-first century pirates operating off the coast of Somalia and throwing global shipping lanes into chaos. They’re the closest thing to classical pirates the real world has to offer, and they actually make for exciting news on a regular basis.

First, a little history:

Since the ousting of President Siad Barre in 1991, Somalia has existed in a state of perpetual civil war and chaos, with no central power strong enough to govern effectively. Somalia has since experienced all the usual problems that come with lengthy unrest; including anarchy, starvation, violent deaths, warlords, and unstable land-grabs. But Somalia’s troubles also produced a rather unusual by-product, in the form of a culture of piracy, often supported by the sort of warlords who like a diversified portfolio.

Geographically, it makes sense. Somalia lies in an area known as the Horn of Africa, at the center of global shipping lanes that go through the Gulf of Arden, the Arabian Sea, and the Indian Ocean. The area is essentially the only way to move a ship from a variety of places in Asia and Europe to and fro without going all the way down to the Cape of Good Hope. Cargo ships from dozens of nations pass through the region every day. With no government to tell them otherwise, Somali fishermen took the initiative to make a buck off the situation; stealing goods and holding international prisoners for ransom.

A note on semantics: Let there be no confusion in terminology; as vicious as they are, these are definitely pirates of the truest kind, ruthlessly seeking treasure. They’ve admitted as much in interviews with The New York Times. In other words, the Somali pirates aren’t terrorists, killing people out of some demented ideology. Oh, they inspire terror, but only as a means to profit. And while that’s still an incredibly shitty way to behave, it’s at least rooted in some form of rational thinking.

So there’s your long-winded introduction. Now then.

This week in Pirate News!

Things are heating up at the Horn of Africa this week, as Russia has announced that it is sending additional warships to join the frigate Neustrashimy, already operating off the coast of Somalia. Though officially an independent Russian operation, the crew of the Neustrashimy has cooperated with other ships in the past:

“In September, [Admiral Vladimir] Vysotsky said Russian ships would be operating on their own. But the crews of the Neustrashimy and the British frigate HMS Cumberland teamed up to chase off pirates who attacked a Danish ship in the gulf earlier this month.”

The new Russian ships are expected to arrive soon.

Meanwhile, representatives from a group of Arab League nations, including Saudi Arabia and Jordan, met in Egypt this week to coordinate their own anti-piracy offensive. They issued a condemnation of all pirate activity, and discussed open cooperation with any other nations willing to help in the pirate crackdown. Which is fine, but policy debates really aren’t as exciting as Russian warships. Seriously, somebody get a fucking camera crew down there!

And literally as I’m writing this, Jon Stewart and John Oliver are talking about the Somali pirates, too. I guess we’re not the only ones who were a little late to the bandwagon. More to come.