It’s December 1st, and we all know what that means: the annual assault against Christmas – and, by extension, traditional values – is underway once more. If you’re a real Christian, you know the situation already, so feel free to go look at a different website.

Go ahead, I won’t mind. Say, have you seen that new Watchmen trailer yet?

Really, go ahead. It’s cool.

All right, that probably got rid of them. Now then, my fellow hellbound liberals, let’s get down to business. The business… of evil!

For all you new recruits, I’ll review the master plan. It’s fiendishly simple, really — by encouraging retailers to use generic holiday greetings such as “Happy Holidays” and “Season’s Greetings” in the advertising materials, we will undermine the faith of good, churchgoing Americans, until their numbers have dwindled to the point that we can cancel Christmas forever, replacing it with an inclusive, politically-correct “holiday” celebration, reminiscent of the Wookiees’ Life Day, but with way, way more witchcraft.

Well, not just witchcraft. There will be menorahs, and assorted Kwanzaa paraphernalia, and even Christmas trees, as long as you promise to call them “holiday trees.” Really, everything except Jesus. It’s complicated, but all you need to know is that, as a loyal soldier in the War on Christmas, you now have a serious vendetta against that guy.

“But wait a minute,” you say, “Isn’t ‘Happy Holidays’ just a way for advertisers to acknowledge as many potential customers as possible, without spending money on multiple ads for different religions?” This is a terribly naive view, but don’t worry. I was once like you, truly believing that we were simply trying to be inclusive.

The fact is, there is a finite amount of happiness in the world, and only a tiny fraction of all our happiness reserves are devoted to providing Holiday Cheer. Every time a non-Christian enjoys his or her Jesus-free December holiday of choice, Christmas gets a little bit less joyful. If you’re wishing people “Happy Holidays” or celebrating Hanukkah, then by definition, you are ruining an adorable Christian baby’s first Christmas.

“Hold on,” you say, “Isn’t that, like, really stupid and improbable?”

Well, the truth is, shut the fuck up and start ruining Christmas already. This plan totally makes sense, and Bill O’Reilly is onto us, so we have to work quickly.