We forgot to do a Beak holiday advent calendar. See, the 1st door could have frustration, and the 2nd could have cynicism, also chocolates.

-Horatio, via Twitter

Holy shit, he’s right! We’ve been passing up a practically-writes-itself opportunity here! Sure, we missed a day or fourteen, but it’s not a big deal. Anyone who’s ever had an advent calendar can tell you that the first two weeks always suck. The best you ever get is a Bible verse or a little plastic jar of frankincense to stick in your Nativity scene. Fuck that! The real action doesn’t start until week 3! That’s where you get your candy, your toys, and probably a little plastic baby Jesus or something.

So, click through to see your amazing Day 15 gift!

So this is pretty much the best Christmas ever, right? I mean, the Beak is giving out motherfucking puppies! Well, puppy, singular. See, that’s an honest-to-gawd German shepherd that we got from a breeder, and those little fellas don’t come cheap, and we’re on a pretty tight budget here. So we decided, hell, let’s just get one puppy, and give it out on a first-come, first-serve basis.

The bad news is, you’re too late, and the puppy’s already found a new home. The good news is, it’s with Joe Biden. Just look at how cute they are together! Technically, Joe wasn’t the first one here, but he was the most famous, and we figure that, if we’ve only got one gift to give out everyday, we may as well give it to someone newsworthy.

We’ve asked the Biden family to keep our names out of the press, of course, because we don’t need people banging on our doors asking for baby animals. The only animal I’ve got here is a turtle, and she’s sort of mine already, and she doesn’t really like people*.

We may or may not have more Advent Calendar posts in the days leading up to Christmas, depending on whether the remaining gifts are any damn good, and whether anyone important shows up to claim them. We don’t know what the Calendar has in store anymore than you do, so it’s not our fault if awesome things fail to happen.

Oh, and all you auto industry execs reading this? I’m pretty sure we don’t have a giant pile of money behind any of the little doors, but you keep holding out hope, okay?

*It’s true: pets really do resemble their owners!