Note: This post was written in advance, and turned out to be much longer than intended. Instead of forcing you to slog through the whole thing, we’ll just be publishing it in two parts.

For the last few days, all the blogs — all the blogs run by my fellow wicked, Jesus-hating liberals, anyway — have been having a little fun/outrage at this list of the Top Ten Instances of Christian Bashing in America, 2008. The list, put out by the Christian Anti-Defamation Coalition (which I had never heard of until right now), is fairly amazing in its inanity, and it’s earned more than its share of beatdowns, but I’ve yet to see someone address the whole thing point-by-point.

Never one to turn down a chance at easy comedy, I decided to fix that. So:

INSTANCE #10: Jack Black Musical Video
In a short video posted on FunnyorDie.com entitled, “Prop 8 The Musical,” an all star cast of Hollywood celebrities perform a low budget musical farce that defames Christ, mocks Christians and distorts the teaching of the Bible. Jack Black played the lead role of Jesus.

Starting off on a really delightful note, they confuse a policy disagreement with a deliberate effort to destroy their religion. And is it just me, or did that “low-budget” comment seem a bit gratuitous, like they’re trying to undermine the credibility of a comedy sketch by pointing out their lousy production values?

Now, in all fairness, the budget for Prop 8 - The Musical was pretty low, and it’s fair to point that out, especially if you’re angling for some DIY/hipster cred. It’s a safe bet that the writers of this list were angling for no such thing, and are just being dicks because LOL stupid heathens didn’t have a decent FX budget!

INSTANCE #9: Bill Maher Gratuitously Attacks Pope
Bill Maher, host of the HBO program Real Time, made light of the Pope during his recent visit and the tragic sexual abuse scandal. Maher said, “Now I know what you’re thinking, Bill. You can’t be saying that the Catholic Church is no better than this creepy (radical Mormon polygamist) Texas cult. For one thing, alter boys can’t even get pregnant. But really, what tripped up the little cult on the prairie was that they only abused hundreds of kids, not thousands all over the world. Cults get raided; religions get parades… If you have a few hundred followers and you let some of them molest children, they call you a cult leader. If you have a billion, they call you Pope.”

“Bill Maher . . . made light of the Pope during his recent visit and the tragic sex abuse scandal.” Okay, he did make fun of the Pope, as comedians tend to do with public figures. But the scandal itself? Yeah, Bill Maher sure let those abused children have it! Serves ‘em right! Whether or not Maher’s quote has been taken out of context, there’s very little here to get offended over; Catholic priests got away with molestation because they belonged to a wealthy and venerable organization that could afford to hide their crimes and deflect criticism. It’s unpleasant, but not nearly as bad for Christianity’s reputation as, say, members of the clergy raping children.

INSTANCE #8: ESPN Anchor Dana Jacobson’s “F— Jesus” Remark
Speaking at an ESPN corporate event in Atlantic City, N.J., to honor ESPN Radio personalities Mike Greenberg and Mike Golic, Dana Jacobson let go with a steam of vulgar remarks; “F— Notre Dame,” “F— Touchdown Jesus” and finally “F— Jesus.” Jacobson was suspended for a few days for the incident.

Did this even happen? I’m not that big on sports, and even when I do watch a game, I don’t really give a fuck what they’re saying on ESPN. I tried to find video of this incident, but guess what? This “corporate event” wasn’t on the air. It was a celebrity roast for Greenberg and Golic, complete with comedians, and apparently the whole thing was painfully unfunny. Jacobson apparently decided to play the role of Courtney Love, and was disciplined accordingly by her employer.

This was a non-story that happened at a private event, far from the innocent ears of our God-fearing women and children, and it would have stayed that way if people like the Christian Anti-Defamation Coalition hadn’t freaked out about it. So fuck them, and fuck Jesus.

INSTANCE #7: Minnesota University Professor Desecrates Communion
A Biology Professor from the University of Minnesota, Paul Zachary Myers, recently desecrated a consecrated communion wafer from a Catholic Mass. Meyer’s has also asked people to steal the Eucharist for him in order that he might desecrate it and display it on his blog.

Bite my ass, CADC. That shit was funny.

INSTANCE #6: Religulous the Movie
Bill Maher released a very shallow, pseudo-intellectual documentary entitled Religulous. The movie did not cover any new intellectual ground. It simply raised the old attacks on the faith. Maher studiously avoided being fair and did not allow for legitimate Christian answers from any leading Christian intellectuals.

Really? Two mentions of Bill Maher on the same list? Pretty lazy, not to mention a sure sign of your misplaced priorities. You’d be hard-pressed to find someone with less patience for religion than me, but even I hated Religulous. I didn’t even bother reviewing it here, but I can do that now:

“Religulous: A Review. Bill Maher occasionally gets close to a good point, then fucks it up by throwing in a completely unnecessary “funny” editorial, even though his subjects could have provided all the comedy he needed if he had a goddamn clue how to conduct an interview.”

There. Anyway, there are plenty of godless-types who offered far more eloquent criticisms of faith in 2008, but you ignored them because you have an inexplicable vendetta against atheism’s least-entertaining field agent.

All right, that’s enough for today. I’ll be back tomorrow with the second half of this dumb-ass list, which I promise will be completely devoid of Bill Maher references.