In an interview conducted last week, Wolf Blitzer had the following bizarre exchange with Vice President Dick Cheney:

Blitzer: Why haven’t you been able to capture or kill bin Laden, or Ayman Zawahiri, the number two al Qaeda leader?

Cheney: Well, we’ve got a few days left yet, Wolf.

Blitzer: Something happening we should know about?

Cheney: Well, no.

It’s probably nothing, but it got me thinking: what if Dick Cheney had some amazing plan to blow all speculation about the Bush Administration’s legacy out of the water? Fuck going on chat shows and joking about finding WMDs, what if Cheney decided to blow our minds by blurting out all his secrets? Doesn’t he seem like the sort of shadowy ultra-informed bastard who could know just about anything at this point, from aliens to Nazi zombies to the current whereabouts of Yog-Sothoth? And more to the point, are we really supposed to believe that he doesn’t know where Osama is?

Much has been said in recent weeks regarding President Bush’s legacy, which, to date, is similar to the legacy left behind by a steaming pile of baboon shit left on the hood of a car on a sunny day. Last week, the White House released a book entitled, and no, I’m not joking, Highlights of Accomplishments and Results: The Administration of President George W. Bush, described by a Gawker review as, “detailing every misleading argument you will hear coming from Bush mouthpieces from now until the end of time.” This morning, to accompany that release, Bush held his so-called “Ultimate Exit Interview” press conference, which turned out to be mostly the same old narcissistic garbage.

But here’s the thing: we know Bush sucks, and his sucking is neither interesting nor any longer relevant. I don’t care about what he has to say, and I don’t want to know his secrets and confessions and protestations. But Dick Cheney is a whole other sack of bananas.

He’s the most powerful Vice President in U.S. history. He’s notoriously secretive. He’s fucking creepy. He shoots his buddies in the face, keeps man-sized safes in his office, and refuses to admit that his papers belong in the National Archives. What I’m saying is, if anyone in Washington has something amazing to hide, it’s Cheney. And I want to know what he knows, even if my glimpse into the Palantír reveals my location to the Ring Wraiths.

Look, at this point, I would not be terribly surprised if on January 19th, Dick Cheney called a press conference, walked out onto the White House lawn dragging Osama bin Laden, blindfolded, on a fucking leash, calmly pulled out a pistol, shot him in the head, watched him fall, walked up to the podium, announced, “You’re welcome, fuck you, I’m done,” turned back into a bat and flew out of our lives forever. That would be a fitting legacy for Vice President Cheney.

I’m just saying, we’ve got one more week before we officially shift into the Obamaverse, and weirdness is possible. Obviously the next week will likely pass by without incident, but, just in case the world is more magical than I give it credit for and Cheney does exactly that, or something equally mind-blowing, just remember who called it.