A few weeks ago, Varius mentioned in his Bacon Round-Up article that Mystery Science Theater 3000’s Mike Nelson was going to spend the entire month of February eating nothing but bacon. After reading this announcement I began following Nelson’s progress, out of a mixture of fascination and terror. I’m happy to say, he not only survived the ordeal, but came out healthy and happy, if a bit embarrassed. So, now that we know it’s possible, let’s take a closer look at what happened.

On January 31, Nelson made the following announcement in his RiffTrax blog:

“For the entire month of February, 2009, I, Michael J. Nelson will eat nothing but bacon. Nothing, my friends, but bacon. Why? Because bacon is nature’s finest and most nourishing food. Also, because several doubters on the RiffTrax staff had the unmitigated gall to insult bacon by making the outrageous claim that, as good as it is, no one could eat very much of it and live. I can and will. Therefore I will spend the month proving it.”

And for most of the rest of the month, Nelson’s blog involved tales of the supermarket checkout, cooking strategies, and in-depth comparisons of the thickness and smokiness of a variety of bacon brands. He seemed to lose enthusiasm as February wore on, but there were no reports of any health problems, contrary to everything my mother told me as a child. Then, on February 27, this happened:

Odd. Apparently, Nelson had a lapse at the end of the experiment, and decided to utilize it for a hilarious parody of those public humiliation press conferences, highly reminiscent of the career-ending media circuses surrounding the infidelity of politicians like John Edwards and Eliot Spitzer. Masterfully done, Nelson. But what about the experiment? What the hell really happened?

The real answer came on Monday. It turns out that nothing much at all happened to end the experiment early, short of a growing feeling of silliness and an annoyed wife and kids. Real life is not always as fun as satire. Nelson did come out with some fascinating insights on the metabolic processes involved in an all-bacon diet, however:

“If you were making the transition from a regular diet to the bacon diet, the first few days, maybe even a week or more, would be hell (I didn’t have to adapt because I’m pretty close to a zero carb man as it is — fascinating, I know). You’d most likely experience flu symptoms and brain fog as you adapted to using ketones as fuel as opposed to glucose. Once you adapted, though, you do feel great, have no cravings, can easily skip meals, never have need of snacks, you’ll probably lose weight, your blood pressure will go down, and you will leave behind you a tantalizing whiff of savory smoke.”

Call me a trendspotter if you must, but I think Mike Nelson may have just started a movement. I recommend calling your broker and investing heavily in hog futures.