A few weeks ago, Varius mentioned in his Bacon Round-Up article that Mystery Science Theater 3000’s Mike Nelson was going to spend the entire month of February eating nothing but bacon. After reading this announcement I began following Nelson’s progress, out of a mixture of fascination and terror. I’m happy to say, he not only survived the ordeal, but came out healthy and happy, if a bit embarrassed. So, now that we know it’s possible, let’s take a closer look at what happened.

On January 31, Nelson made the following announcement in his RiffTrax blog:

“For the entire month of February, 2009, I, Michael J. Nelson will eat nothing but bacon. Nothing, my friends, but bacon. Why? Because bacon is nature’s finest and most nourishing food. Also, because several doubters on the RiffTrax staff had the unmitigated gall to insult bacon by making the outrageous claim that, as good as it is, no one could eat very much of it and live. I can and will. Therefore I will spend the month proving it.”

And for most of the rest of the month, Nelson’s blog involved tales of the supermarket checkout, cooking strategies, and in-depth comparisons of the thickness and smokiness of a variety of bacon brands. He seemed to lose enthusiasm as February wore on, but there were no reports of any health problems, contrary to everything my mother told me as a child. Then, on February 27, this happened:

Odd. Apparently, Nelson had a lapse at the end of the experiment, and decided to utilize it for a hilarious parody of those public humiliation press conferences, highly reminiscent of the career-ending media circuses surrounding the infidelity of politicians like John Edwards and Eliot Spitzer. Masterfully done, Nelson. But what about the experiment? What the hell really happened?

The real answer came on Monday. It turns out that nothing much at all happened to end the experiment early, short of a growing feeling of silliness and an annoyed wife and kids. Real life is not always as fun as satire. Nelson did come out with some fascinating insights on the metabolic processes involved in an all-bacon diet, however:

“If you were making the transition from a regular diet to the bacon diet, the first few days, maybe even a week or more, would be hell (I didn’t have to adapt because I’m pretty close to a zero carb man as it is — fascinating, I know). You’d most likely experience flu symptoms and brain fog as you adapted to using ketones as fuel as opposed to glucose. Once you adapted, though, you do feel great, have no cravings, can easily skip meals, never have need of snacks, you’ll probably lose weight, your blood pressure will go down, and you will leave behind you a tantalizing whiff of savory smoke.”

Call me a trendspotter if you must, but I think Mike Nelson may have just started a movement. I recommend calling your broker and investing heavily in hog futures.

A few days ago, Horatio introduced you to the Bacon Man. Today, I’d like you to meet his violent, heart-stopping cousin, the Bacon Explosion.

Go read that. I’ll still be here when you get back from the hospital.

Yes, the Bacon Explosion, essentially a giant sausage, filled with and wrapped in bacon. Everything I know tells me I should be disgusted by this. No matter how delicious bacon is, I know this object is terrifying, and quite possibly pure evil. I know that it is not so much a foodstuff but a weapon to be unleashed upon the arteries of your foes.

But damn it, I kinda want to make one. The issue is, I don’t own a smoker, or even know what one is, beyond some vague memories of stuff I’ve seen on the Food Network while stoned. Should I just abandon this insane plan, or should I attempt to improvise something in my apartment’s tiny kitchen? And if I do make one, should I liveblog it?

In other bacon news, Mike Nelson (of MST3K fame) has vowed to eat nothing but bacon for the entire month of February. I admire his spirit, but I can’t help feeling like he wussed out by choosing the shortest month for this bold experiment.

Also, I’m kind of worried he might die.

Ladies and gentlemen, today we present to you, a little man made out of bacon:

Bacon Man was created for an annual event in San Francisco called, and I’m not making this up, BaconFest. As you can tell from the above photo, he’s about three feet tall, and something of a marvel both in terms of catering and in terms of D.I.Y. weirdness.

Bacon Today, an all-bacon blog, interviewed Bacon Man’s creator, a woman calling herself NetDiva, to learn how Bacon Man was made:

“Bacon Man was made from around 80 bamboo skewers, 60 hot glue sticks and 8 pounds of bacon. The face was made from weaving raw bacon and then microwaving it in sheets. The rest of the construction was made by first building the frame out of skewers and then gluing on cooked and cooled bacon strips. We used a piece of styrofoam for the base and covered it in fabric.”

A similar Bacon Man was recently featured on supersizedmeals.com, with some photos of the building process. I have no idea whether or not the two Bacon Men are related, but one thing is certainly clear: I’m going to need one of these for my next house party.