Horatio @ 7:56 PM
I was just about to turn the television off and write some articles about giant armadillos and rocket ships, when, with a quick check of the TV listings, I realized that President Bush’s Farewell Address was about to start. Which means that it’s time for an impromptu liveblog! Varius may or may not be chiming in, depending on when he gets my Twitter message. I hope he does, because these things kind of suck without a back-and-forth.

Horatio @ 8:01 PM
With virtually no fucking fanfare to speak of, we’re off!

Horatio @ 8:04 PM
Oh, oh, no he did not just jump headlong into September 11th. Watch, as he goes down the list of “War on Terror” highlights, you can imagine his approval rating steadily plummeting.

Horatio @ 8:06 PM
“A small band of fanatics”? He’s not talking about Giant Baby, is he?

Varius @ 8:09 PM
Okay, fine, you got me on board. I can’t believe he’s actually proud of Roberts and Alito.

Horatio @ 8:10 PM
Welcome aboard. OK, this thing about taking “decisive action” in the financial collapse: you really can’t include that on the list of accomplishments if it hasn’t worked. Saying, “it would have been even worse” really doesn’t count as a success; particularly when there’s no evidence for that particular hypothetical future. At least he can prove that Roberts and Alito fucking exist.

Varius @ 8:13 PM
Some of the things he’s saying are, by all rights, quite lovely, but this bastard simply cannot move me. No matter how much he talks about the future, no matter how many stories he tells about the good people in the audience, it’s not enough for me to start liking him. Something is just… off.

Oh, that’s what it is: he just talked about how great it is that a 60-year-old man is deploying to Iraq.

Horatio @ 8:15 PM
Not to mention all that “virtues” crap. Whenever a politician starts talking about how great our virtues are, it means that he’s lacking in concrete accomplishments to point to.

Uh… oh, Jesus. It’s over already. They’ve switched to plane crash coverage.

Varius @ 8:18 PM
Yeah, I know. Where the hell’s the rest of it? Now I’m watching Wolf Blitzer trying to find a shred of substance in what just happened.

I could have spent this time playing Super Mario Bros.

Horatio @ 8:20 PM
Sorry to drag you away from the Mushroom Kingdom. I just keep hoping that we’ll get our January Surprise. Bin Laden execution on the White House lawn! It’ll never happen. I know.

11:00 PM:
Since New Year’s Eve is one of the two nights of the year (the other being St. Patty’s Day) when all the pubs are guaranteed to be overrun by tiresome amateurs who don’t know how to hold their liquor, I decided to stay in out of the cold this evening and watch television. Now, I was all ready to write a post about Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston being high school drop-outs, as was reported earlier this week, but the Associated Press is now reporting that the whole thing was a lie, and young Levi is “enrolled in high school through a correspondence program.” A bit of a technicality, yes, but all-in-all, a nonstarter.

So, lacking the motivation for much of anything else (and if you’re sitting at home reading The Beak I can only assume that you, too, lack motivation), we’re going to sit down and watch some New Year’s coverage on the TV. We’ll start with The Silver Fox, live from Times Square.

11:06 PM:
So. We’re six minutes into Anderson Cooper 360, and Kathy Griffin has already requested a pap smear from Dr. Sanjay Gupta. This is going to be a long hour.

11:10 PM:
Ooh, Kathy Griffin just busted on the Jonas Brothers and their stupid little virgin promise rings! Zing!

11:18 PM:
I switched over to the local (for New York) NBC station, and learned that Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s New Year’s resolutions are: 1.) Work on his golf game; 2.) Learn Spanish; 3.) Lose weight. Fuck… yes, those are nice resolutions, if you’re already retired. On the other hand, if you’re the mayor of one of America’s largest cities, and that city is currently home to a decaying Wall Street and a mounting budget deficit, I’d recommend setting some different fucking priorities.

11:23 PM:
Anderson Cooper is letting a drag queen named Sushi talk, presumably to fill air time. You know, Anderson walks a strange line with these annual New Year’s Eve shows. On the one hand, this is an opportunity to cut loose and be fabulous. On the other hand, he still needs to be considered a serious news man tomorrow. Which is why he spends most of the program looking nervous.

11:26 PM:
“Has Jack Cafferty ever gotten so mad that he just punched Wolf Blitzer in the face?” OK, that’s fucking funny. I guarantee, that is the funniest thing Kathy Griffin will say all evening.

11:30 PM:
Moving on. Fox is running some sort of music show. Good lord, is that Scott Weiland? Apparently, according to the host, this is part of his “solo act.” Somehow, I keep forgetting that some grunge musicians from the early ’90s are still alive and working.

11:38 PM:
There’s a light on my remote control that makes every single button glow bright red. Seriously, that’s the button’s sole function. For a moment, I thought the fucking thing was going to melt.

11:46 PM:
Who the fuck is Lady Gaga? Codger Corner, I’m looking in your direction.

11:50 PM:
So over at ABC they’ve got the usual “Rockin’ Eve” program, and this year Dick Clark is joined by Ryan Seacrest. And it occurs to me that, though I’m sure I’ve heard the name, I don’t actually know who the hell Ryan Seacrest is. Honestly, I swear I’m under thirty.

Sweet Jesus, Dick Clark looks and sounds absolutely horrible. Apparently he suffered a stroke in 2004, which accounts for the slurred speech. For some reason, ABC thinks that parading the poor man out every year is something other than extremely sad.

11:57 PM:
A stoned teenager is outside my apartment screaming, “I want to get laid!” over and over. Back on TV, Ryan Seacrest is talking to the Jonas Brothers. I’m changing the channel now, before Dick Clark makes me start crying for my grandfather.

11:59 PM:
Bill. Hillary. Bloomberg. Giant dropping ball.

12:01 AM:
Aaand it’s 2009, Eastern Standard Time. Um… I hope this year doesn’t completely suck. Also, the calendar on my wall is now useless.

12:07 AM:
OK, so, for everyone who’s going to read this tomorrow whilst sore and hungover, I just want to point out that, having never left the comfort of my chair, I don’t have to go out in the cold or spend an hour on public transit to get home, and I won’t feel nauseous in the morning. Suckas!

12:14 AM:
Granted, there’s a beer in my hand. But staying up past midnight and drinking booze? Around here, that’s not a holiday. That’s any day that ends with the letter “y.” You people fail to impress me.

12:16 AM:
Anderson Cooper just explained to Kathy Griffin that real New Yorkers don’t go to Times Square on New Year’s, they stay home and avoid the crowds. Aha! Vindication is mine!

Varius @ 5:55 PM
The polls aren’t anywhere near closing yet here in Pittsburgh. Wolf Blitzer’s still dicking around talking to James Carville in his precious Situation Room. Nobody’s drunk. In fact, I’m the only one here right now. But the night is still young, the alcohol has been purchased, and my elitist hors d’oeuvres are nearly ready.

Throughout the night, we’ll also have Horatio checking in from the Beak’s Brooklyn Bureau, to offer an even-more-eastern elitist perspective on tonight’s proceedings.

Editor’s note, November 5, 2008: I’d like to say our Drunken Election Liveblog was a success, but the fact is that sincere hope is the enemy of good comedy. Another enemy of good comedy: leaving the house mid-liveblog to attend a spontaneous street celebration. We had both of those things last night, so we probably weren’t performing at peak awesomeness. But goddammit, we had a great time, and we got a new President out of the deal, so let’s call this one a win.

The full text came out to over 3000 words, so I’m placing it behind a jump. It’s all still there if you’re willing to hit the link.

Read on »

Shadow Candidate @ 12:01 AM
Woohoo! Drunken Election Liveblog 2008 is in the heeeeouse!

Horatio @ 12:02 AM
What the hell are you doing? The liveblog is tomorrow night. The first polls don’t even close until 7:00 PM Eastern Time. There’s nothing to liveblog.

Shadow Candidate @ 12:03 AM
But it’s the Drunken Election Liveblog, and it’s Election Day, and I’m drunk right now.

Horatio @ 12:04 AM
I don’t care. Stop being an asshole and go to bed.

Shadow Candidate @ 12:05 AM
I haven’t slept in a week. Fine, fuck it, whatever, I can wait. When do we party?

Horatio @ 12:06 AM
I don’t really know, we’re going to let Varius and his house party do most of the heavy lifting. But we’ll weigh in at some point.

Shadow Candidate @ 12:07 AM
Two words: titty bar.

Horatio @ 12:08 AM
As long as we get there in time for the buffet. Alright, goodnight everybody! Remember folks, tune in to thebeak.org tomorrow night for exciting Drunken Election Liveblog coverage straight from Pittsburgh. Whenever they get around to it. And from New York, too. And from wherever the hell Shadow’s hiding out these days.

Shadow Candidate @ 12:09 AM
Me? I’m playing in an Iron Maiden tribute band at a pub in Cleveland right now. Shit! The second set’s about to start! Run to the hills!

Horatio @ 8:00 PM
Good evening, blog nerds! The final Election 2008 debate begins in an hour, and Team Beak is once again here to make smart-ass remarks for your amusement. Unfortunately, due to some residual trauma stemming from last week’s debate, Varius is only willing to liveblog The Discovery Channel. So we’re going to try something a little different. I’m going to watch the debate on CNN, and Varius is going to watch MythBusters.

Horatio’s Mission: Convince Varius to switch over to the debate.
Varius’s Mission: Write about something other than what Kari Byron is wearing.

Varius @ 8:05 PM
Well, that won’t be a problem quite yet; MythBusters doesn’t start for another hour. But I’m gonna start making my case now by pointing out that they’re doing another ninja-themed episode tonight.

Horatio @ 8:09 PM
Ouch. And all I’ve got to offer in response is Bob Schieffer. On the plus side, tonight’s episode of Pushing Daisies started with a dead nun falling from the sky. I’ll see you monkeys at 9:00.

Varius @ 8:14 PM
Good call. I should find something to watch, too. Maybe with dead nuns, but I’m willing to compromise. As long as it’s done by 9:00, I’m happy.

Horatio @ 8:59 PM
Daddy needs a smoke. Try not to be interesting for the next seven minutes.

Varius @ 9:01 PM
No promises. They’ve apparently got a “real ninja” (or at least a guy who’s had some training) trying to grab an arrow in mid-flight.

Horatio @ 9:04 PM
McCain always opens with the “family sympathy” bits. Last time it was Uncle Teddy, now he opens with prayers for recently-hospitalized Nancy Reagan. Very nice and considerate, yes, but he sounds like a damn church lady.

Varius @ 9:07 PM
Meanwhile, Adam and Jamie have a guy with like 20 black belts in different disciplines, and they’re going to shoot him with a motherfucking arrow.

Horatio @ 9:10 PM
If they could merge these two programming strategies, the ratings would break every record.

Tonight’s format: roundtable discussion. Do you know how goddamn awkward it is to refrain from making eye contact with a person who’s sitting two feet away for ninety minutes? Follow-up: do you know how awkward it is to talk shit on Obama when Obama is looking right at you, with a magnificent air of calm superiority? McCain knows, and it ain’t pretty.

Varius @ 9:15 PM
You know what else ain’t pretty? Adam Savage get pelted with tennis balls to test his reaction time. They even showed it to us in hi-speed; it’s truly amazing to watch an expression of horrible pain materialize in slow motion, especially when it happens to someone who totally thought he could catch the tennis ball. “Pain is your friend!”

Horatio @ 9:16 PM
Obama on taxes: “Well, I don’t mind paying a little more.” Put up or shut up, Mac!

Varius @ 9:20 PM
They just kept Tory submerged in cold water until hypothermia began to set in. Later, we will see him trying to fire a blowgun underwater. With more hypothermia. We absolutely need a way to work this into the campaign.

Horatio @ 9:24 PM
Sweet Jesus! Underwater blowguns? That’s not just ninja, that’s motherfucking James Bond super-magic-ninja shit!

McCain: “I am not President Bush. If you wanted to run against Bush, you should have run four years ago.” Oh ho ho. And if Obama had wanted to run against the real McCain, he should have run eight years ago. Zing!

Varius @ 9:27 PM
Okay, you know what else? They just fired an arrow at a guy, and he caught it. Let me repeat that: they fired a motherfucking arrow at a guy, and he caught it with his bare hand. Sure, it took him a few tries, but the fact that he did it at all is fucking impressive! I’ve also learned the pitfalls of making a blowgun out of a piece of bamboo, and how to avoid them.

What have you learned?

Horatio @ 9:30 PM
I’ve learned that Joe the Plumber is totally getting laid tonight, because his fifteen minutes is Now.

Meanwhile: once again, McCain blames his sleazy, incoherent attack strategy on Obama’s rejection of the “Ten Town Halls” proposal. Remind me why anyone thinks that makes any sense?

“Hey, let’s get coffee every Tuesday at noon.”
“Oh, that’s a bad time for me, how about pizza once a month in the evening?”
“You bastard! Now I’m going to tell everyone that you’re a terrorist.”
“Wha?”

Varius @ 9:38 PM
You’re making this debate thing very tempting. It’s like all the crazy I wanted to see is finally happening. Luckily, they just started firing (rubber-tipped) arrows directly at the ninja from multiple directions, and he just got hit in the crotch. Didn’t even flinch, but he would have died in an actual feudal combat situation.

Wait, no, he finally caught one of them. But only after a long string of imaginary deaths.

Horatio @ 9:43 PM
BAM! Obama just threw down on the William Ayers “issue.” He candidly laid down the timeline, named all the associates involved with that board back in Chicago ten years ago, and then as an encore, talked about all the prominent experts that he actually does consult on the issues, including Joe Biden and Warren Buffet. Total disclosure, baby!

And then, in response, McCain says that the people need to know about Obama’s mysterious associations, as if he wasn’t sitting right there to hear the answer to that exact fucking question. It’s as if John McCain has become unstuck in time, and is replying to answers with their own questions! It’s like fucking Jeopardy for crazy people!

Varius @ 9:47 PM
As you inch ever-closer to succeeding in your mission, I must admit defeat in mine, because Kari is wearing a full ninja costume. In a pool. While firing a blowgun. Yeah, you assassinate that shogun!

Horatio @ 9:51 PM
Dude. How can Kari possibly get any hotter? Oh, I know, let’s put her in a ninja costume and give her a blowgun. Jesus Karate-Chopping Christ!

McCain looks like a lump of old dough. A lump of old dough that’s constantly blinking. Eerie.

Varius @ 9:55 PM
I only have about five more minutes in which to bust myths, and once that time is up, I will admit defeat. I can’t stand these miserable debates, but I can’t stay away. I need to see the dough-monster transcend space and time to ask pre-answered questions that shouldn’t have been issues in the first place!

This is classic addictive behavior, except for the dough-monster part. But that’s kinda specific to this situation.

Horatio @ 9:58 PM
Oh, this is good. So, here’s the pattern that’s emerged tonight: McCain makes some attack on Obama that usually takes the form of an accusation of ignorance or inexperience on an issue. In response, Obama goes all college professor and drops a buttload of knowledge without stopping for breath. He just succinctly explained the psychology of South American officials! And while Obama is being brilliant, McCain just has to sit there tight-lipped, looking like he has to go to the bathroom. Brains vs. Bluster. Obama: 1. McCain: shut up.

Varius @ 10:05 PM
Fine. I’m here. And I just heard Mac trashing Obama’s health care proposal as a single-payer system, and trashing Canada and England by extension. Obama turned around and explained his proposal. McCain’s response was to alienate as much of the country as possible: “Joe, congratulations, you’re rich!”

Wow. Way to go, Douchenozzle Jones.

Horatio @ 10:09 PM
I think it was a joke that fell flat? I can’t tell. Obama generally sets the “rich” marker at an annual income of $250,000. Which seems plenty high enough to me, but then, I don’t have a millionaire wife. I bet Joe the Plumber makes significantly less than 250K. Because his name is fucking Joe the Plumber.

Unnecessarily Mean Old Person Joke: Do you think McCain puts on an adult diaper before the debates? Like, just in case?

Varius @ 10:17 PM
I know I would wear one. Not because I’m scared, but because I would need several very strong drinks beforehand, and wouldn’t want to get up for bathroom breaks every 20 minutes.

And now Obama is trying to make a point about abortion, and preventing unwanted pregnancies in the first place, and McCain is sitting there smirking and sniffing. Someone needs to explain to him that there is no such thing as an “extreme pro-abortion movement.” Does he seriously believe people are going around performing unwanted abortions for some reason?

Answer: No, but Sarah Palin does.

Horatio @ 10:20 PM
Why are we even talking about abortion? Oh yeah, because it’s a hot-button issue that the GOP always goes to when they’re tanking in the economy, and for some reason, the Republican base just gets an enormous collective hard-on whenever they get to publicly attack women’s rights. Every. Fucking. Election.

Oh, oh oh, and now McCain is going to try to validate charter schools and vouchers again. Do you know what that means? That’s GOP code for “We’re never going to make an honest effort to fix our existing public schools.”

Varius @ 10:27 PM
Holy fuck, holy fuck, McCain just said Sarah Palin has a child with autism. Which she does not. The cruelly-named Trig Palin has Down Syndrome, which is a different fucking thing. He is also less than a year old, which means his needs aren’t much more “special” than those of the average infant.

And now, final remarks.

Horatio @ 10:28 PM
You missed the first hour. He called Trig autistic like ten times already.

Varius @ 10:30 PM
There is no way to comment on that without using the word “retarded,” which would be massively offensive in this context.

Horatio @ 10:36 PM
Which is why I didn’t mention it earlier. Well. I think that went rather well. We covered the debate, and spiced it up with ninjas. Hmm. You hungry? I’m thinking about making grilled cheese.

Varius @ 10:40 PM
Grilled cheese would be good. I have leftover pizza. And rum.

Horatio @ 10:43 PM
I’ve got beer, and a hot, fresh sandwich in hand. Goodnight everybody! Fix yourself a snack and a drink. If you’ve read this far down, you’ve earned it!

Horatio @ 10:55 PM
It just occurred to me that we didn’t say anything about the closing remarks. I’ll admit that by the time they got to that point, my mind was firmly focused on melted colby. You know, a sick masochistic little part of me will miss liveblogging when the election’s over. We should just randomly liveblog other shit. Like the Superbowl. Or maybe the next time Spike reruns Wrath of Khan.

Varius @ 11:00 PM
It shall be done.

8:17 PM
The stage is set for tonight’s Presidential debate. Sarah Palin won’t be involved, so there might not be much in the way of post-worthy stupid. Her absence also means I feel safe flying solo on this one, because I probably won’t need anyone to talk me down.

I thought I would get into Bitterness Mode by watching “House,” but it’s a rerun. Damn you, Fox!

What began as an exercise in simple liveblogging quickly escalated into an unreadable disaster. As such, I have placed it behind a jump. If you really feel the need to read it, and watch my sanity slip away (in spite of my predictions), feel free to click through. You have been warned.

Read on »