My Fellow Americans,

A year ago I, The Shadow Candidate, began a very silly run for the presidency, as well as a position as Beak campaign analyst. Clearly, I never took either of those endeavors all that seriously. But that was back when there were two dozen candidates from the two major parties alone, and we were still making jokes about Tom Vilsack and Mike Gravel. Things have obviously changed. It occurs to me now that I should probably focus on running for something easier before I try President of the United States again. Maybe I should run for president of The Mitch Hedburg Memorial Foundation for Comedic Awesomeness. Wait, does that exist yet? If not, then I declare myself president of it.

Anyway.

I’m here today to officially endorse Barack Obama, just in case it makes any difference, and because I want to say something to Joe Sixpack and Joe the Plumber and even Joe Piscopo. Here goes: Obama is better than you. I don’t mean that satirically, and I don’t mean to offend you; this is a positive thing. The President of the United States is supposed to be better than you. He or she is supposed to be better than almost all of us. It’s the most powerful position in the world, people. You don’t pick a drinking buddy, or a funny neighbor, or a member of the PTA, or some weirdo like the Shadow Candidate. That would be a profoundly stupid thing to do.

I’ll repeat this, because it’s important: the leader of the most powerful nation on Earth ought to be superior to the average person in almost every way. The president ought to be smarter, wiser, faster, stronger, healthier, more physically fit, and more talented than the average person. The president should be more honest, more ethical, more loyal, and more compassionate than the average person. The president ought to be a more eloquent speaker, a more inspiring motivator, and a more thoughtful philosopher than the average person. The president should have a more attractive spouse, smarter children, and a tidier home than the average person. The president should be able to speak more languages than you, should be better at math than you, should have read more Victorian literature than you, and should be able to kick your ass at Super Mario Brothers.

You’re choosing a leader, America. Yes, he’s going to be in charge, but he’s also sort of your employee. If you’re running a business, and you have your choice of applicants, do you want to hire someone who’s ignorant and folksy? Of course not. Do you want to hire someone who rests on the laurels of past glories, even though it’s clear that they’re only going to go downhill from now on? Of course not. Do you want to hire someone who’s brilliant and talented? If you want your business to succeed, that’s exactly what you do. And this is obviously more important than your stupid little business; this is the United States of America. If the United States is going to continue to succeed, you want to empower the very best possible person for the job.

You want someone who’s better than you. You want someone who’s better than your friends, and better than your family. Because you’re normal, Joe Sixpack. And that’s fine. Being a normal American is totally OK, for almost every single person in the nation. Except for the president. This is one time when it’s OK to ignore your pride and your low self-esteem and your nagging feelings of inadequacy and stand up to proudly declare that you picked someone better than you, to lead this country and take care of us all.

Come on, America. Come on, Joe Sixpack. Pick a good president this time. Please. We need it. Vote Barack Obama.

Thank you, and may The Beak bless America.

My fellow Americans,

I haven’t had much to say lately, but after receiving zero votes in Iowa and New Hampshire, I decided to drop out of the race and spend more time with my family. In this case, “family” means “pillowcase full of weed.” But a man can only watch “Superbad” so many times (41 by my count, 53 if you count the times I dozed off partway through). So now that the pillowcase is nearly half-empty and the weather is improving, I realized that, although I dropped out of the race two months ago, I never got around to telling anyone.

So, yeah. I’m out. I’ve been out. I wish the remaining candidates the best of luck, and offer my services to the highest bidder. Seriously. I will dose your opponent’s coffee.

My Fellow Americans,

How about a little primary analysis, eh? I’d like to say that I’ve been busy these last two months staunchly campaigning, attending town hall meetings, raising funds, and getting my message of hope out to the people. But I can’t lie to America, friends, so here’s the truth: I spent most of the last two months drinking Scotch and playing PS2. And I hereby promise to appoint Kratos as my Secretary of Defense!

Anyway. The Iowa, New Hampshire, and (for the GOP only) Wyoming primaries are behind us, and those traditionally overhyped contests have yielded some surprising results. Last Thursday in Iowa, two long-neglected groups dominated the election, and delivered a big “fuck you” to the Clinton/Giuliani hubris machine. On the Democrat side, progressives who want to move beyond the divisiveness of skin color and party affiliation and keep this country from going down the toilet voted for Barack Obama. On the Republican side, Christians who are tired of phony atheist NeoCons pretending to give a shit about Jesus elected a real Christian for once, in the form of Mike Huckabee. While these results seem surprising, we all secretly knew it had to happen sooner or later.

In the GOP-only primary in Wyoming on Saturday, Mitt Romney won, probably because he bothered to show up once or twice. I was going to try to evoke some kind of disgust at the way the media ignored the whole thing, but when was the last time you heard anyone get excited about Wyoming in any context? They’ve got three electoral votes. They’re the leading exporter of trona, a mineral used to make baking soda. Hose me down. Hell, I didn’t bother campaigning there either.

And then there was New Hampshire’s primary on Tuesday, where voters took one look at the shakeups in Iowa and decided to deliver a “fuck you” of their own by electing the most long-running establishment monsters available, Hillary Clinton and John “McLovin” McCain. If McCain were the Straight Talk Express evangelist-bashing chop-busting badass of the year 2000, I would be a lot more excited about this. Oh sure, I know it’s possible, even likely, that the lovably cantankerous old McCain is still in there somewhere. But to find out, we’ll have to give up our first shot at a genuinely interesting election in years.

A McCain candidacy will be viewed as a “Let’s get this over with” affair. If he becomes the nominee, it will only be because there’s a consensus that it’s “his turn.” Sorta like Kerry, or Bob Dole. It’s the political equivalent of the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy movie: you know it won’t be great, but you waited for it for so long that you feel obligated to check it out. The solution is to pit McCain against someone more exciting. Obama, for example.

McCain vs. Clinton, on the other hand, is not promising. Hillary Clinton already feels like a McCain-style Presidential Wannabe in training, who will spend the next four or five election cycles wondering when her turn will come. Put two of those up against each other in the general election, and people will go with the most boring choice possible. Probably McCain.

For those of you keeping score, that’s five total victories to five completely different people, none of whom are Rudy Giuliani, and none of whom are The Shadow Candidate. Dennis Kucinich is already quietly directing his supporters in Obama’s direction, and John Edwards and Bill Richardson will probably both do the same in about five weeks. Ron Paul will continue to win a small percentage of the votes, at least until he gets enough attention that some major news outlet finally bothers to do some research on what a nutcase he is. Mike Gravel is far more entertaining than Duncan Hunter, and neither will ever get anywhere (though I hope Gravel makes more YouTube videos). Best of all, as February rolls around, these primary results will finally help the media realize that Fred Thompson was never a serious candidate.

Oh, one more thing: you’ll never see The Shadow Candidate cry when his motives are questioned. Or at any other time, either. And that’s your loss, because The Shadow Candidate’s tears are made of straight gin.

Thank you, and may the Beak bless America.

My Fellow Americans,

Faced with the conundrum of increasing military ambitions, but not an increasing population to go with it, in 1831 King Louis-Philippe of France created the famous French Foreign Legion, an all-foreign volunteer segment of France’s military. Men from all over the world could sign up and join the esprit décor of the first globalized fighting force, dedicated to serving a single nation’s goals, much like aliens from many different planets sign up to serve the goals of the Federation Starfleet on Star Trek.

Perhaps you’re already familiar with the French Foreign Legion’s popular image as depicted in Bugs Bunny cartoons and 1970s issues of Mad Magazine. Maybe your father was devoured by a lion while you were on safari, and you let it happen because you always secretly hated him. Maybe you left your bride at the altar because you couldn’t tell her about your past as a Mafia assassin. Maybe you were fleeing the scene of a bank robbery and left your best friend behind to be arrested while you made your escape. Whatever the case, you’re running from something absolutely hideous in your past, and you can either join the Foreign Legion, or hop aboard the Tramp Steamer of the Damned.

Apart from being absolutely fucking awesome in that respect, the French Foreign Legion was also a tremendous asset to the French, relieving some of the burden on their native soldiers, as well as providing strength for France’s growing Imperial ambitions.

Today, the military of the United States faces a similar problem. With hundreds of thousands of U.S. troops, as well as Reservists and National Guard, on overextended, long-term deployment in the Middle East, our defenses at home and abroad are weakening. Enlistment rates are down across the board, and casualties, while decreasing in recent months, are still unpleasantly high.

Meanwhile, we have a second problem, related to the first: porous, undefended borders allowing millions of illegal immigrants into our country. Weak borders are an obvious security risk, but they’re also very informative to a creative mind. All of the illegal immigration statistics point to one very important trend: lots and lots of people want to be United States citizens. My fellow Americans, we are not using this knowledge to our advantage.

While my opponents in this election are condemning illegal aliens as dangerous invaders, I say that they are an untapped resource. The vast majority of illegal immigrants are not subversives, but people who want only to join our club! And that is why I am proposing the formation of the first American Foreign Legion.

The American Foreign Legion would follow the all-foreign, all-volunteer tradition of the French version. It would protect us from needing to institute a draft in an emergency. It would provide an alternative path to U.S. citizenship, based on service and commitment to our country. For those voters who see everything in terms of simplistic slogans, “They took our jobs” would be swiftly replaced with “Support our troops.”

“The purpose of the Legion was to remove disruptive elements from society and put them to use fighting the enemies of France. Recruits included failed revolutionaries from the rest of Europe, soldiers from the disbanded foreign regiments, and troublemakers in general, both foreign and French.”
–Wikipedia

An American Foreign Legion will provide opportunities for lots of people besides dissatisfied day-laborers wanting a path to citizenship. Think of all the times over the years that you’ve heard a politician talking about how this or that oppressed population wants the U.S. military to show up and start shooting. Iraqis wanted us to take out Saddam, Iranian students want liberal reforms, Venezuelans are being crushed by Chavez, etc., etc.

Well, here’s a chance for them to step the fuck up. If they really want the American military to overthrow their leaders or reform their governments, they’d probably jump at a chance to join up and fight that battle in an official capacity. Provided everyone has an equal chance to join (possibly by going under the radar of foreign leaders), the membership of such a group could provide some preliminary polling data on who actually wants military intervention. If we give Venezuelans a real chance to get on board, and they don’t, we probably should leave them alone. If a whole bunch of Iranians suddenly enlist, we can be pretty sure that something big is happening there.

Again, we’d need a system in place to ensure that everyone gets an equal chance to sign up. If a society is closed to the outside world (such as North Korea), we’d need a way to make sure anyone there who wants to enlist can do so safely. If we can do that, we’ve got instant demographic data on who wants outside assistance and who wants to be left alone.

To return to its rightful place in the international community, our military must shake off the stigma of invaders and regain the reputation of heroes. Our weary soldiers must have fresh reinforcements. Our illegal immigrant interlopers must become our immigrant friends and colleagues. Only one plan can simultaneously solve all of these problems: my plan.

Thank you, and may the Beak bless America.

My fellow Americans, I have a confession to make. I don’t know shit about Sam Brownback. At least, I didn’t until I started researching this article.

Kansas Senator Sam Brownback, until Friday, was one of my rivals in the 2008 presidential election, campaigning for the Republican Party nomination. He officially dropped out of the race yesterday, lacking donations and poll numbers. And until today, that was the sum total of my knowledge about the man. In comparison, if what I know about, say, Mitt Romney, could fill the text of one of those Chinese takeout menus that delivery boys slip under my apartment door (Mormon, millionaire, creepy, etc.), then what I know about Sam Brownback could fit onto that little slip of paper inside the fortune cookie.

Which got me to wondering, what is it about Sam Brownback that no one knows anything about him? Why were we content to leave him on the third-tier GOP laundry list alongside candidates like Ron Paul and Tom Tancredo? I assume he must suck in some fashion, if he can’t even compete with the likes of Nasty Man Giuliani. But exactly how he sucks, that was the mystery. After a couple of hours of research, I believe I have discovered why Sam Brownback sucks, not only to the likes of liberals, but also why he failed as a GOP nominee.

He doesn’t believe in evolution, he simplifies everything into terms of faith, and he’s against abortion, even for victims of rape and incest. That’s why the average Beak reader doesn’t like him, but they’re irrelevant, because he had to win the GOP nomination first before caring what we think. But run a YouTube search on Brownback, and guess what you’ll find? Endless videos related to the aforementioned topics. Abortion and evolution, and nothing else. Seriously, if he has opinions on other issues, it’s not widely publicized.

What’s so telling about these talking points isn’t their ass-backwards moralist pandering. A pro-life/pro-Jesus stance is part of the GOP prerequisite checklist, and the first rule of debates is to avoid wasting time on issues that all of the debaters agree upon.

And that’s why the GOP voters and cash contributors ignored the twit. Because the Morality Checklist is irrelevant in Election 2008. GOP voters want to know about the war in Iraq, about Iran, terrorists and national security in general. They want to know about balancing the goddamn budget and re-valuing the dollar. They’re probably concerned with things like Mexican labor and Chinese imports. And they’re really sick of all these GOP congressmen getting caught in stupid corruption scandals, making them look as depraved as all those Catholic priests that got caught molesting little boys a few years ago.

In other words, Republican voters still aren’t fans of evolution or abortion, but right now, they really don’t fucking care, because for once they have bigger problems than judging other people’s private lives. And that’s why Brownback was a shitty GOP candidate.

Thank you, and may the Beak bless America.

My fellow Americans, what the hell is going on here? Have you seen what’s passing for election coverage? Ranking the candidates’ haircuts and freaking out over an absent lapel pin? Pundits pinning their hopes on a dude from “Law and Order?” Seriously writing articles about Mrs. Clinton’s sorta-cleavage?

But that’s not what made me decide to enter this race, America. I made my decision after stumbling upon this website, which lists the candidates’ positions on reproductive rights. Almost every Democrat in the race has a perfect 100% score from NARAL Pro-Choice America, but they’re all being very careful to tiptoe around the topics of abortion, sex ed programs, and — if I may use an eye-rollingly awful expression — “lady issues” in general.

All I want to see is a Democrat get up there and admit that damn near everyone fucks outside of marriage, and if you don’t want people to get pregnant, or get abortions, you should teach them how to put on a goddamn condom. I mean, people get hurt playing football, but we don’t try talking people out of playing. We give them helmets. If you can cover your head, you should be allowed to cover your dick.

How’s that for a position? Safe, affordable contraceptives, a condom machine in every location we can fit one, accessible abortion services for anyone who needs them, and comprehensive education on how to fuck responsibly, in or out of marriage. Sounds pretty sweet, huh? Bet you wish you had something like that when you were in high school. Probably would’ve worked better than that abstinence pledge you took. How’d that work out for you, by the way?

Of course, nobody will come right out and say any of this during campaign season, lest they alienate such mythical beasts as Swing Voters and Security Moms. Let me assure you, both of these groups did their share of premarital boning. And I believe that if someone actually took the time to address their concerns, and to gently point out how fucking stupid those concerns are, my position would start making a whole lot of sense to them.

Thank you, and may the Beak bless America.