Around the time I was writing yesterday’s post about Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal’s rejection of 90-odd-million dollars of stimulus money, the Governor of Montana had the same idea I did.

Governor Brian Schweitzer, a Democrat, said of Jindal:

Simply what I have said is that if you don’t like these federal dollars, what about the other 95% of the federal dollars you’ve already received? If you reject 98 million dollars for unemployment, why did you receive the 10 billion dollars for all the rest of the programs that came from the federal government?

And that’s not the only conflict! Governor Mark Sanford (R, S.C.) has followed Jindal’s lead and refused a portion of his state aid money. For this, he has come under fire from fellow Republican governor Arnold Fucking Schwarzenegger:

Governor Sanford says that he does not want to take the money, the federal stimulus package money. And I want to say to him: ‘I’ll take it.’ I’m more than happy to take his money or any other governor in this country that doesn’t want to take this money, I take it, because we in California need it.

Way to go, Sanford. You’ve got a cyborg on your ass. Happy now? Or would you prefer it if he got on a motorcycle and chased you around in-character? Because I’m sure it can be arranged.

So anyway, what do we think? Is Schwarzenegger a lone, unlikely voice of reason, or is this just the beginning of a Golden Age of GOP Infighting? Either way, you can’t honestly say you saw this coming a few years ago.

A few days ago, Horatio introduced you to the Bacon Man. Today, I’d like you to meet his violent, heart-stopping cousin, the Bacon Explosion.

Go read that. I’ll still be here when you get back from the hospital.

Yes, the Bacon Explosion, essentially a giant sausage, filled with and wrapped in bacon. Everything I know tells me I should be disgusted by this. No matter how delicious bacon is, I know this object is terrifying, and quite possibly pure evil. I know that it is not so much a foodstuff but a weapon to be unleashed upon the arteries of your foes.

But damn it, I kinda want to make one. The issue is, I don’t own a smoker, or even know what one is, beyond some vague memories of stuff I’ve seen on the Food Network while stoned. Should I just abandon this insane plan, or should I attempt to improvise something in my apartment’s tiny kitchen? And if I do make one, should I liveblog it?

In other bacon news, Mike Nelson (of MST3K fame) has vowed to eat nothing but bacon for the entire month of February. I admire his spirit, but I can’t help feeling like he wussed out by choosing the shortest month for this bold experiment.

Also, I’m kind of worried he might die.

Tonight in Tampa Bay, Florida, the Pittsburgh Steelers will face off against the Arizona Cardinals in the most important game of the National Football League’s year, the Super Bowl. Football fans will be watching the game, consumerism fans will be watching for the commercials, and classic rock fans will at least watch the halftime show to see Bruce Springsteen. In case any of you didn’t already know, we here at The Beak are a decidedly pro-Steelers website. I lived in Pittsburgh for six years, Varius still lives there, and what’s more, it was about six and a half years ago in Pittsburgh where Varius found the original, and much-embellished, Beak (possibly while skipping class).

Tonight in Brooklyn, I’ll go to the apartment of some other Pittsburgh expatriates (one of whom will be wearing his new Coach Tomlin “Yes We Can” T-shirt) and watch the game along with a few New York Giants fans who are still angry at the Cardinals for knocking out the Eagles who knocked out the Giants (NFL playoffs often lead to this sort of Matryoshka Doll logic). Meanwhile, tonight in North Oakland, Pittsburgh, Varius will venture out to see if his neighbors are burning sofas in the streets, the way they did the last time the Steelers won the Super Bowl three years ago…

…or simply rioting on the University of Pittsburgh campus, as they did two weeks ago when the Steelers won the AFC championship.

I used to get drunk on that street.

But if you think the Cardinals have a hope in Hell, remember that it’s not just Oakland-style enthusiasm they have to contend with, because another big winner is rooting for the black and gold tonight: President Barack Obama.

That’s right, Barack Obama, traditionally a Chicago Bears fan, is all about Roethlisberger tonight. The Rooney family, owners of the Steelers, were big supporters during the election. And let’s not forget that the Cardinals are from the same state as last November’s biggest loser of all: John McCain. Which means that this year Steelers vs. Cardinals has become a strange parallel of Obama vs. McCain. And we all know how that turned out. Go Steelers!

On Tuesday, in Washington, D.C., Barack Obama was sworn in as our 44th President. Meanwhile, in Legoland, California, Obama’s 4-inch-tall Lego counterpart took the same oath in front of a crowd of tiny Lego people. And not just those little peg-headed figures that come in the box with your Legos, either, but thousands of tiny people built brick-by-brick from individual Lego blocks. Most of them look pretty good, too, or at least look like the real people they’re supposed to — the Clintons, the elders Bushes, Senator Diane Feinstein, Pastor Rick Warren, Chief Justice John Roberts, and, of course, the Obama family. It’s not 100% accurate — Dick Cheney’s wheelchair and Aretha Franklin’s hat are both missing — but that can be forgiven, given the sheer awesomeness of this project.

And if the video and the article weren’t enough, SF Weekly has a slideshow. So yeah, now you missed two historic inaugurations.

On Tuesday, Barack Obama will be sworn in as president, and George W. Bush will go the fuck home. Sixteen years ago, another George Bush had to go the fuck home as well, and comedian Bill Hicks wrote the definitive rant on the matter.

Bill Hicks died in 1994, and as sad as that was, it means he didn’t have to endure the second Bush administration. And yet, with the exception of the first line (”Bush fuckin’ loses!”), the routine requires no updates.

Hooray for gradual progress?

Edit: For some reason, this post was originally listed under the wrong date. This has been fixed. I assure you, it is January 18th.

I don’t need to write anything today. You know why?

Because the list of 50 Most Loathsome People In America came out today!

The list is an annual tradition of the Buffalo Beast (former home of Matt Taibbi), and provides some much-needed New Year’s catharsis for everyone who has ever wondered if people get dumber with each passing year. Plus, despite its decidedly outraged-liberal perspective, it’s perfectly happy to go after members of our own team; Barack Obama kicks off the list at #50.

Just go read it. It is beautiful, and there is only death here.