My fellow Americans, what the hell is going on here? Have you seen what’s passing for election coverage? Ranking the candidates’ haircuts and freaking out over an absent lapel pin? Pundits pinning their hopes on a dude from “Law and Order?” Seriously writing articles about Mrs. Clinton’s sorta-cleavage?
But that’s not what made me decide to enter this race, America. I made my decision after stumbling upon this website, which lists the candidates’ positions on reproductive rights. Almost every Democrat in the race has a perfect 100% score from NARAL Pro-Choice America, but they’re all being very careful to tiptoe around the topics of abortion, sex ed programs, and — if I may use an eye-rollingly awful expression — “lady issues” in general.
All I want to see is a Democrat get up there and admit that damn near everyone fucks outside of marriage, and if you don’t want people to get pregnant, or get abortions, you should teach them how to put on a goddamn condom. I mean, people get hurt playing football, but we don’t try talking people out of playing. We give them helmets. If you can cover your head, you should be allowed to cover your dick.
How’s that for a position? Safe, affordable contraceptives, a condom machine in every location we can fit one, accessible abortion services for anyone who needs them, and comprehensive education on how to fuck responsibly, in or out of marriage. Sounds pretty sweet, huh? Bet you wish you had something like that when you were in high school. Probably would’ve worked better than that abstinence pledge you took. How’d that work out for you, by the way?
Of course, nobody will come right out and say any of this during campaign season, lest they alienate such mythical beasts as Swing Voters and Security Moms. Let me assure you, both of these groups did their share of premarital boning. And I believe that if someone actually took the time to address their concerns, and to gently point out how fucking stupid those concerns are, my position would start making a whole lot of sense to them.
Thank you, and may the Beak bless America.
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