My fellow Americans, I have a confession to make. I don’t know shit about Sam Brownback. At least, I didn’t until I started researching this article.
Kansas Senator Sam Brownback, until Friday, was one of my rivals in the 2008 presidential election, campaigning for the Republican Party nomination. He officially dropped out of the race yesterday, lacking donations and poll numbers. And until today, that was the sum total of my knowledge about the man. In comparison, if what I know about, say, Mitt Romney, could fill the text of one of those Chinese takeout menus that delivery boys slip under my apartment door (Mormon, millionaire, creepy, etc.), then what I know about Sam Brownback could fit onto that little slip of paper inside the fortune cookie.
Which got me to wondering, what is it about Sam Brownback that no one knows anything about him? Why were we content to leave him on the third-tier GOP laundry list alongside candidates like Ron Paul and Tom Tancredo? I assume he must suck in some fashion, if he can’t even compete with the likes of Nasty Man Giuliani. But exactly how he sucks, that was the mystery. After a couple of hours of research, I believe I have discovered why Sam Brownback sucks, not only to the likes of liberals, but also why he failed as a GOP nominee.
He doesn’t believe in evolution, he simplifies everything into terms of faith, and he’s against abortion, even for victims of rape and incest. That’s why the average Beak reader doesn’t like him, but they’re irrelevant, because he had to win the GOP nomination first before caring what we think. But run a YouTube search on Brownback, and guess what you’ll find? Endless videos related to the aforementioned topics. Abortion and evolution, and nothing else. Seriously, if he has opinions on other issues, it’s not widely publicized.
What’s so telling about these talking points isn’t their ass-backwards moralist pandering. A pro-life/pro-Jesus stance is part of the GOP prerequisite checklist, and the first rule of debates is to avoid wasting time on issues that all of the debaters agree upon.
And that’s why the GOP voters and cash contributors ignored the twit. Because the Morality Checklist is irrelevant in Election 2008. GOP voters want to know about the war in Iraq, about Iran, terrorists and national security in general. They want to know about balancing the goddamn budget and re-valuing the dollar. They’re probably concerned with things like Mexican labor and Chinese imports. And they’re really sick of all these GOP congressmen getting caught in stupid corruption scandals, making them look as depraved as all those Catholic priests that got caught molesting little boys a few years ago.
In other words, Republican voters still aren’t fans of evolution or abortion, but right now, they really don’t fucking care, because for once they have bigger problems than judging other people’s private lives. And that’s why Brownback was a shitty GOP candidate.
Thank you, and may the Beak bless America.
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