Space aliens and their trademark UFOs are back in the news lately, in what I’m hoping will eventually turn out to be some hilarious pattern. Last November we heard reports of UFOs spotted hanging around Chicago’s O’Hare airport, spotted by a dozen air traffic controllers, who, while admittedly a stressed-out over-worked crowd, really ought to know what they’re looking at when they see objects flying in the sky. The FAA, predictably, refused to investigate, and the matter remains unresolved.

Then last week, CNN’s Gary Tuchman reported on Anderson Cooper’s blog a strange story involving former Arizona Governor Fife Symington.

Fife Symington III, who served as Governor of Arizona from 1991 to 1997, admitted recently that, in ‘97 while he was still Governor (until resigning due to a bank fraud conviction later that year), he witnessed the “Phoenix Lights” mass-UFO sighting. The Phoenix Lights, which began in ‘97 but still reoccur occasionally, featured strange lights high in the air in a pattern reminiscent of reflectors placed around a flying saucer-type vehicle. The first incident was witnessed by literally thousands of people. Though he initially denied the event and ridiculed witnesses, Symington now admits that he was among those thousands.

Symington says he lied about it initially so as to avoid starting a panic, but has since come ’round to the level of enthusiast. He admitted in a recent CNN interview that he believed the lights were from “some form of alien space craft.” What’s interesting about Symington’s revelation is that, as Governor, he had some inside access. At the time, the U.S. Air Force declared publicly that the lights were the results of flares dropped by A-10 Warthogs during training exercises. According to Symington, when he privately contacted Air Force and National Guard officials, they admitted that they were as perplexed as he was.

It seems like there’s always an increase in UFO news when things here on Earth get weird, and I doubt this is any exception. It’s an alluring concept, of course, considering that anyone who can travel here from a distant planet might be able to help us with Global Warming, or the Middle East. Would Captain Picard violate the Prime Directive to save the world from George Bush? Probably not, but Captain Kirk would at least punch Bush in the nose, and that’s something I’d love to see.

It’s amusing to consider how UFO speculation flip-flops based on global socio-political issues. In times of confidence, say when we actually find our leaders to be competent, aliens are depicted as frightening intruders. This holds true even when it’s a one-sided question, say when we believe in our own leaders, but hate the Russians (and use the aliens as metaphors for them). But in times like now, where we hardly have any faith left in anyone, UFOs are the happiest ideas around. When our politicians are useless bickering buffoons, terrorists are everywhere, and Polar Bears are running out of icebergs, the only relevant questions seem to be, “when are the aliens coming to help us?” and “why aren’t they here yet?”

Personally, I fantasize about peaceful, robed, Vulcan-like space travelers landing on Earth in the Spring of 2009. President Barack Obama and Secretary of Environmental Affairs Al Gore ride forth to meet them on a Hydrogen-powered zero-emissions chariot, protected by an honor guard led by the Pittsburgh Steelers. The Rolling Stones and Tenacious D are jamming somewhere in the background, and me and the rest of The Beak’s staff writers are in the press box, smoking a bowl with Matt Taibbi. And then Earth is led to glory, harmony, and, I dunno, somehow I get to smoke in bars again.

Or maybe not. Maybe they want to eat us. Sure, we scoff at illogical old-school sci-fi stories like The Twilight Zone’s “To Serve Man” episode, in which the aliens are all monsters who look at a human the way Jared looks at a Subway sandwich. We maintain that it would be completely impractical, in fact mind-numbingly bone-headed, to travel all the way across the galaxy for lunch. But that implies that aliens only eat for survival. Why would we assume such a thing, when we’ve demonstrated conclusively that intelligence can easily evolve alongside irrational behavior? When we humans eat to survive, we go to the nearest farm or grocery store. But when we’re feeling decadent? We might drive an hour out to a nice restaurant. And let’s not forget those $5,000 cans of Beluga caviar that rich people buy, just to remind us that they can. Who’s to say that alien merchants wouldn’t attempt to sell human flesh as a delicacy to a wealthy alien aristocracy obsessed with flaunting its own spending power?

But for the sake of argument, let’s assume that not all intelligent life in the universe is as bizarre and perverse as the mind of man. What if the True Believers out in Arizona (like Fife Symington) are right? The claim is that these lights, which look a lot like lights installed along the perimeter of a flying saucer according to videos I’ve seen on CNN and YouTube, have appeared periodically over Phoenix for the last ten years. If that’s the case, then we’re starting to look damn silly, and the aliens are probably starting to feel rather awkward. Remember that our TV signals are beamed out into space after they appear on our televisions. By now people in space have had time to witness countless dramatizations of “first contact” encounters where intelligent teams of experts address the phenomenon, decipher simple communication codes broadcast by the visiting extra-terrestrials, and then do their utmost to establish communication. If you were an alien watching these shows and movies, wouldn’t you expect people to do that when it happened in real life? But no, in Phoenix, you get one third of the population gawking or videotaping, one third issuing official denials, and the last third completely oblivious. How does a visiting alien account for the discrepancy between the quick-witted geniuses of science fiction and the dumb gawking ape-men of an average real-life city? What if they’re actually trying to extend a friendly handshake, and wondering why we still have our thumbs up our butts?

I’m just saying, humanity. Not in front of the new neighbors, mmkay?