My Fellow Americans,

Faced with the conundrum of increasing military ambitions, but not an increasing population to go with it, in 1831 King Louis-Philippe of France created the famous French Foreign Legion, an all-foreign volunteer segment of France’s military. Men from all over the world could sign up and join the esprit décor of the first globalized fighting force, dedicated to serving a single nation’s goals, much like aliens from many different planets sign up to serve the goals of the Federation Starfleet on Star Trek.

Perhaps you’re already familiar with the French Foreign Legion’s popular image as depicted in Bugs Bunny cartoons and 1970s issues of Mad Magazine. Maybe your father was devoured by a lion while you were on safari, and you let it happen because you always secretly hated him. Maybe you left your bride at the altar because you couldn’t tell her about your past as a Mafia assassin. Maybe you were fleeing the scene of a bank robbery and left your best friend behind to be arrested while you made your escape. Whatever the case, you’re running from something absolutely hideous in your past, and you can either join the Foreign Legion, or hop aboard the Tramp Steamer of the Damned.

Apart from being absolutely fucking awesome in that respect, the French Foreign Legion was also a tremendous asset to the French, relieving some of the burden on their native soldiers, as well as providing strength for France’s growing Imperial ambitions.

Today, the military of the United States faces a similar problem. With hundreds of thousands of U.S. troops, as well as Reservists and National Guard, on overextended, long-term deployment in the Middle East, our defenses at home and abroad are weakening. Enlistment rates are down across the board, and casualties, while decreasing in recent months, are still unpleasantly high.

Meanwhile, we have a second problem, related to the first: porous, undefended borders allowing millions of illegal immigrants into our country. Weak borders are an obvious security risk, but they’re also very informative to a creative mind. All of the illegal immigration statistics point to one very important trend: lots and lots of people want to be United States citizens. My fellow Americans, we are not using this knowledge to our advantage.

While my opponents in this election are condemning illegal aliens as dangerous invaders, I say that they are an untapped resource. The vast majority of illegal immigrants are not subversives, but people who want only to join our club! And that is why I am proposing the formation of the first American Foreign Legion.

The American Foreign Legion would follow the all-foreign, all-volunteer tradition of the French version. It would protect us from needing to institute a draft in an emergency. It would provide an alternative path to U.S. citizenship, based on service and commitment to our country. For those voters who see everything in terms of simplistic slogans, “They took our jobs” would be swiftly replaced with “Support our troops.”

“The purpose of the Legion was to remove disruptive elements from society and put them to use fighting the enemies of France. Recruits included failed revolutionaries from the rest of Europe, soldiers from the disbanded foreign regiments, and troublemakers in general, both foreign and French.”
–Wikipedia

An American Foreign Legion will provide opportunities for lots of people besides dissatisfied day-laborers wanting a path to citizenship. Think of all the times over the years that you’ve heard a politician talking about how this or that oppressed population wants the U.S. military to show up and start shooting. Iraqis wanted us to take out Saddam, Iranian students want liberal reforms, Venezuelans are being crushed by Chavez, etc., etc.

Well, here’s a chance for them to step the fuck up. If they really want the American military to overthrow their leaders or reform their governments, they’d probably jump at a chance to join up and fight that battle in an official capacity. Provided everyone has an equal chance to join (possibly by going under the radar of foreign leaders), the membership of such a group could provide some preliminary polling data on who actually wants military intervention. If we give Venezuelans a real chance to get on board, and they don’t, we probably should leave them alone. If a whole bunch of Iranians suddenly enlist, we can be pretty sure that something big is happening there.

Again, we’d need a system in place to ensure that everyone gets an equal chance to sign up. If a society is closed to the outside world (such as North Korea), we’d need a way to make sure anyone there who wants to enlist can do so safely. If we can do that, we’ve got instant demographic data on who wants outside assistance and who wants to be left alone.

To return to its rightful place in the international community, our military must shake off the stigma of invaders and regain the reputation of heroes. Our weary soldiers must have fresh reinforcements. Our illegal immigrant interlopers must become our immigrant friends and colleagues. Only one plan can simultaneously solve all of these problems: my plan.

Thank you, and may the Beak bless America.